Self-Doubt
“To create one’s world in any of the arts takes courage.”
– Georgia O’Keeffe
Georgia O’Keeffe (1887-1986)
Basil Langton
Some days I am filled with so much gratitude for having found my art that I think I might just burst. The words flow, the spirit moves, and I know for certain I am doing exactly what I was made for. Some days feel magical, delicious and so damn sexy!
Other days, those adjectives couldn’t be further from the truth. Instead, I feel frustrated and inadequate. Full of agita, I wonder if I have anything of importance to say and feel woefully ill-equipped to do these artists and these stories justice.
Just last week, I rewrote the same three paragraphs twenty-five times... twenty-five times! Terrified that if I didn’t get it just right I would disappoint the artist whose work I so respected, I second guessed everything and dove headfirst into the rabbit hole of perfectionism. It is amazing—really—that my lovely editor, Caroline, did not fire me. I would have! If I couldn’t even write about something I loved, then I should just give up and leave this “creative business” to the professionals. Really, who in the world did I think I was?
Self-Doubt had moved in—taken over the master bedroom—and laid claim on all that I loved. Not the easiest to cohabitate with, I blamed her for my distress... She HAD to go!
So, I did what I have learned to do when I am feeling overwhelmed, out of sorts or just plain fed up... I reached out. I asked friends, artists, and people I respect how they “overcame” self-doubt. While I had hoped they would cosign Self-Doubt’s eviction notice, they instead gave me a far better gift.
Below are some of my very favorite responses which shifted my thinking entirely…
“Attempting to ‘overcome’ self-doubt is a mis-alignment. It [self-doubt] is a sign that you are on your authentic path. Courage resides in the ability to embrace it as an ally and welcome it as part of the creative transformation.”
– Stacy Kirby, Artist
“It [self-doubt] is an integral part to any meaningful artistic expression, so I try to be grateful for it.”
– John Gordon, Actor
“Take a deep breath and remind yourself you’re the only one who can tell your story.”
– Libby Buck, Art Historian & Writer
“Belief is the light that banishes doubt from the shadows long enough to achieve the task one is asked to do. Doubt must be accepted as a traveling companion whose whole existence gives me a reason to believe.”
– Heather Gordon, Artist
Slowly, I am learning that while Self-Doubt may not be my favorite fellow traveler... she is an important one all the same. Her words and questions serve as an opportunity for me to argue my case and further believe in the work I am doing. When she tells me I fall short—which I sometimes do—it teaches me to say, ‘You know what…? I did my best—and that is enough.’
I would love to say Self-Doubt and I now walk hand in hand as friends... We do not. I have, however, stopped trying to ditch her at every corner. She, in turn, not feeling so afraid of abandonment, has become a bit more kind. Sometimes, in fact, we even go an entire day without slinging words at each other that I would rather my boys not hear.
This is progress, and I will take it.