A Process of Surrender
“The creative process is a process of surrender, not control.”
– Julia Cameron, “The Artist’s Way”
Less than a year ago, I would never have dared to call myself a writer… Perhaps, I might admit that I was creative and occasionally considered saying I was “a creative” when asked what I did at a dinner party, but that was as far as I could go. The title of “writer” just felt too sacred— reserved for other people—the ones that had real talent, not just a mom who thought she might have something she wanted to say.
Still the desire to write, to create, in my own way, continued. And, at some point, I gave in and said yes. I surrendered to the process and I gave myself permission to create—even if it turned out that I was really quite crummy at it. As I did so, I began to realize that creating was really for me and that I got to decide if I was or was not a writer—not someone else.
Just the other day, my friend Courtney posted a quote by Frida Kahlo: “The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to.” I am beginning to realize that it is the same for me with writing. And, while that is the case, it does not in any way guarantee that my creative process is always going to be smooth and delightful. Or that my words will come easily and my articles will all be brilliant.
“The only thing I know is that I paint because I need to.”
– Frida Kahlo
For the last few weeks, I have been trying to find my article on Joan Mitchell. I have read essay after essay, revisited pictures from her amazing show at David Zwirner, I carry my landscapes around with me, and watched her documentary. While I made some progress the other day when I realized what it was that I actually wanted to write about, the article still stands just out of hand's reach… a reality that would have in the past driven me a bit insane.
Not that long ago, I would have immediately gone to some of my favorite old tapes…. ‘God you are still such a slacker—if you would just get your act together,’ or ‘No one cares that your kids have been sick—you should have planned ahead,’ or probably the one that always got me, ‘Oh well, you don’t really have anything important to say anyway.’ Declaring myself wanting, I would have tried to force the process… perhaps afraid that at any moment someone might materialize to take my title of “writer” that I had just dared to claim.
Yet, I realized tonight as I spent extra time at tuck-ins enjoying my little ones, that I was responding to this “block”—or that’s what I would have called it in the past—quite differently. It seemed I had learned somewhere along these past months how to fill the time that the words ‘weren’t coming’ with quite lovely and grounding activities.
So… drum roll please… Another list! These items are not groundbreaking—actually they are probably bordering on cliché—except for the fact they really have been so helpful.
My “What I do when the words won’t come and I still choose to be kind to myself” list:
1. I have a cuppa… I love coffee. I love it so much that I often walk through life over caffeinated and wonder why I’m anxious… While Coffee and I’s relationship is a bit tumultuous, Herbal Tea has proven again and again to be my trusty friend. I absolutely adore Rishi blueberry hibiscus tea and when I need extra nurturing, I fill the bottom of my mug with honey and boil the water with slices of lime. This has gotten me through many a writer’s blocks and hard days… Seriously, its like a warm hug.
2. I text or call another friend and ask what they are up to: what is inspiring their work, challenging their thinking or making them excited.
3. I rush to Durham to sit on the porch of one of my favorite people and repeat number 2. Y’all will meet my dear friend and incredible artist Heather Gordon in the coming weeks. After you do, you may wish there was room for all of us on her porch.
4. I move my body… Okay, let’s be honest, this is new. Exercise and I haven’t always been friends, but there is no denying how much more balanced I feel when I “get the wiggles out,” as my boys and I say.
5. I give myself extra time for special moments with my loved ones... like walks, yummy meals, and curling up with a good book or Netflix. Oh, and I could literally sit for hours at the kitchen table with a coloring book. Legos—now that’s a different story.
6. I remember how a friend told me to never underestimate the importance of downloading. We must allow ourselves the time we need to take in the world so that we can truly create.
7. I put on a scarf. There is very little that I find more delightful than an incredibly soft scarf tied loosely around my neck. Plus, when I think writer, I think scarf—I don’t know why, but it kind of makes me feel Parisian and creative, and well, I’m all about dressing the part. ;)
8. I lay on my sofa and flip through amazing art books… I may not be ready to write about it, but I love learning.
9. I take myself to a movie in the middle of the day—it feels naughty and delicious, and often is just what I need to reset.
10. I go to a museum or gallery—not to analyze or find something to write about but just to look. To remember how much I actually love art, even when it pisses me off.
11. I ask myself if the timeline that I am up against is actually valid. Sometime it is, but oftentimes it isn’t and all will be well if I just give myself and the process a bit more time.
12. While I do, I actually get that closet I had been neglecting cleared out. I may not find my article in there either, but I always feel much lighter when I let go of things that no longer serve me. Oh, and I always find something I have desperately been missing (like my favorite black boots I was certain had been lost for eternity), so that’s always a bonus!
13. I remind myself of wonderful advice Susan Harbage Page gave in Matrons & Mistresses’ inaugural interview: “Make one mark every day— that’s my theory about making art; just do one thing every day.” So, I continue to show up to the page day after day to make ‘one mark a day’ and trust that the article will meet me when it is ready.
14. I scroll through pictures to figure out what in the world we will use for a post I had never planned to write. ;)
Perhaps next week I may share with you an article about Joan Mitchell. Or, maybe the creative process will take me somewhere completely different again. Either way, I will rely upon this list to continue to be kind to myself and surrender to the creative process.
P.S.—If anyone reading this relates to the struggle with calling yourself an artist/writer/creative, I share with you the words of the exceptional Kara Walker:
“There’s no diploma in the world that declares you as an artist. It’s not like becoming a doctor or something. You can declare yourself an artist and then figure out how to be an artist.”